Direction

I had an post-op appointment last Friday with my doctor. It was mostly just informational. She didn't do an exam like I thought she would, but she did have some important news for me. During my D&C she noticed some strange things about the tissue. Normally tissue from a first loss is not sent to pathology for testing, but combine with the strange look, the fact I was so late into the first trimester, and hearing the heartbeat, she had mine sent off anyway. The pathologist found that I have a condition called Thrombophilia. It is a type of blood clotting disorder and is very likely the cause of my miscarriage. Next week I am having a Thrombophilia blood panel done. It should narrow down many things about this disease. My doctor did say that when I get pregnant again I will have to have a shot of blood thinner everyday.

Also, we have been cleared to start trying to conceive again once I have one period. It is promising that we got pregnant on our own once, and it is possible that the loss and D&C can help straighten out my cycle. If I don't have a period in 6 weeks I do have to go see the doctor again. If things do not progress normally and we get pregnant soon I made an appointment for 6 months out, but the doctor seems to think I will be back well before then. I don't think I have ever been so anxious for my period to come before.

At least we are heading in a good direction!

Tuesdays and Thursdays

Am I always going to hate these two days of the week with the burning fire of a thousand suns? It sure feels like it. I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday. I found out I was no longer pregnant on a Tuesday. I had my D&C on a Thursday. Two weeks ago today to be exact. Last Thursday and today both I have spent the whole day thinking about what I was doing this time on Thursday August 2nd. Driving to Huntington, dealing with a crappy phlebotomist, going over medical history, having a meltdown, wheeling to surgery, driving home. I just replay it all.

Honestly though, I haven't cried in a few days. I am feeling much better about things overall. I know there is a reason this miscarriage happened, and I also realize I will never know that reason. Tomorrow I go to my post-op appointment. We will discuss when Jason and I can try again though I feel like we will wait a little while.

Something else, I am so glad I started this blog when I did. Yes, it is hard to go back and read my original posts, but if I hadn't done them I wouldn't remember how I was feeling at those moments. They were so full of joy and hope for the future. I hope I can feel that way again someday.

Back to the real world.

Tomorrow I have to head back to work. I am dreading it. Absolutely, completely dreading it. My heart hurts that I have leave this house. It is safe and quiet. I don't have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Now I have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay. But, it isn't. It will never be okay again.

It has been 3 days since my D&C. Physically I am doing good. Mentally is another story. Sometimes I feel like I am doing okay, but most of the time I have a tightness in my chest that won't go away. Time will heal all wounds, but I sure wish time would move a little faster.

"My life is like a Lemon Drop
I'm suckin' on the bitter to get to the sweet part
I know there are better days ahead." - Pistol Annies