Pregnant After a Loss

I knew that getting pregnant after a loss would be terrifying. I just didn't realize how scary, stressful, and heartbreaking it would be. Jason or I neither one can seem to let go and actually be excited. I try to remind myself that this is a new pregnancy and a new day. Many times I think about how far along I should be with the baby we lost. At this point we would know the sex of the baby. It would be time for baby showers and finishing the nursery.

Earlier this week I had a few bad days. I realized that when I made my appointment for next week that the receptionist didn't say anything about an ultrasound. I called the office and sure enough, I wasn't put down for an u/s, just an OB take-in appointment. She also said that they probably won't be able to get me into u/s that day, but maybe the next week. That just broke my heart. At the appointment next Friday I will be 8 weeks 3 days, the approximate day our baby quit growing last time. After I got off the phone I had a little meltdown. Then of course I talked myself into thinking something was wrong now.

We decided to go ahead and tell our parents that we are expecting again. It took a lot of convincing, but I knew that if something were to happen I would want their support. Here is to hoping the next week flies by and I have a great first appointment, u/s or not!

This is a shock.

Today I am 9DPO. That means according to the basal body temperature I record every morning I ovulated 9 days ago. For some reason when I woke up this morning I had the urge to test. I just used one of the cheapie Wondfos that come with the OPKs. I waited five minutes and checked... I thought there was a faint line, but when I asked Jason he said he couldn't see anything.

I still felt like there was a line there, so when I went to the store this afternoon I picked up a First Response Early Response test. They are supposed to detect HCG levels 6 days before your missed period. I was going to wait till tomorrow morning to take a test so I could use first morning urine that is stronger, but I just couldn't wait. Sure enough 3 minutes later there were two lines! A positive test...

That is a pretty strong line for only 9DPO! I texted Jason at work and told him to call me. There was no way I could wait till he got home tonight to tell him. I also called the doctor right away because of the Thrombophilia and my recent loss. I go see the nurse on Thursday at 3!

We are cautiously optimistic and happy. I am definitely nervous, but I know this will be my take home baby! <3

In the meantime...

While we get back on the TTC journey, I decided to take on a project. My BIL was about to throw away an old dresser with beautiful lines. There was nothing wrong with it except the top drawer is missing the guide. Here is the subject of the project!

 

My first step was to pick out a bright paint color. Yellow was the first color to pop into my head, and I just ran with it.

Sherwin Williams decisive yellow it is! I had some left over primer from painting in our house. So I made a trip to the store for sandpaper and wood filler. I first sanded the piece down to do away with some rough edges and even everything out. Plus it roughed the wood up to better accept the primer. I used the wood filler to take care of the holes from the old hardware. I knew I wanted to do some fun modern knobs, so the old ones were taken off and the holes filled in.

I wasn't completely concerned with how well the primer covered the dresser. I just wanted to make sure the major parts were taken care of and I had a mostly clean slate for the yellow. I primed the dresser on Thursday and allowed it to dry overnight. I *almost* fell in love with the grey enough to go with a shade of grey, but in the end yellow won.

The next two pictures of the yellow were taken outside in direct sunlight right after painting. They make the color look much lighter than it really is! 

 

I did this project partially on my drive way and partially in our outbuilding. After two coats of paint on Friday (one early morning and one early afternoon), I had to wait to bring it inside! Late Friday evening I couldn't handle it anymore so I carried it in to the spare bedroom.

 Hi kitty!

After that the hunt was on for knobs. I knew Antropologie had gorgeous ones, but they weren't really in my price range for this project. I went back and forth between black or grey knobs, but in the end I didn't want anything that would take away from the bright yellow. Glass or clear knobs seemed to be the obvious choice! After a lot of hunting I found these beauties on Amazon.

At $3.00 I thought they were a steal! I talked Jason into helping me add them to the dresser today and here is the finished product.

Here is the condensed run down!

1. Sand dresser down. Wipe off to remove dust and dirt.
2. Fill in any holes or abnormalities in the wood.
3. Prime. And let dry.
4. Paint one coat. Let dry.
5. Paint coat two. Let dry.
6. Attach new hardware.
7. Tada!

This was a cheap project as well! The dresser was given to my by my brother in law. He was going to throw it out anyway. I paid $19 for the paint from Sherwin Williams. And I paid $18 for the knobs from Amazon. That's it!

These steps obviously worked for this type of wood, but it may not work for everything. I am so proud of this little project. Hopefully I can find something else to throw myself into soon!

Oops

Sorry I have been away for a while! Today I am 5 weeks post D&C. That also means I should be 17 weeks pregnant. But on a good note, I started my period yesterday, woohoo! I never thought I would be so happy to say that. I had blood work done last Monday to do testing for my Thrombophilia diagnosis. The doctor called Tuesday to let me know that everything came back fine. I do have Thrombophilia, but I won't have to have any treatment until I become pregnant again. When I do get pregnant I will have to have a shot daily, but that is nothing if it means I will get to bring home a baby!

For now we are back on the TTC bandwagon. I am temping and charting and using OPKs this cycle. Fingers crossed for a June baby!

While these things have been going on we did add a new member to the family! We finally decided on and bought Jason a new truck. It is a Ram 3500 Diesel. I like to call it his new baby. It is big and beautiful and I love it as much as he does. Some people have been talking crap about us buying such a big truck when we don't have much use for it right now. It is so petty. We went ahead with such a big truck because someday we will have a camper and then we won't have to worry about not having enough truck to haul it with! And we bought it because we wanted to!

Anyway, here she is!

Direction

I had an post-op appointment last Friday with my doctor. It was mostly just informational. She didn't do an exam like I thought she would, but she did have some important news for me. During my D&C she noticed some strange things about the tissue. Normally tissue from a first loss is not sent to pathology for testing, but combine with the strange look, the fact I was so late into the first trimester, and hearing the heartbeat, she had mine sent off anyway. The pathologist found that I have a condition called Thrombophilia. It is a type of blood clotting disorder and is very likely the cause of my miscarriage. Next week I am having a Thrombophilia blood panel done. It should narrow down many things about this disease. My doctor did say that when I get pregnant again I will have to have a shot of blood thinner everyday.

Also, we have been cleared to start trying to conceive again once I have one period. It is promising that we got pregnant on our own once, and it is possible that the loss and D&C can help straighten out my cycle. If I don't have a period in 6 weeks I do have to go see the doctor again. If things do not progress normally and we get pregnant soon I made an appointment for 6 months out, but the doctor seems to think I will be back well before then. I don't think I have ever been so anxious for my period to come before.

At least we are heading in a good direction!

Tuesdays and Thursdays

Am I always going to hate these two days of the week with the burning fire of a thousand suns? It sure feels like it. I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday. I found out I was no longer pregnant on a Tuesday. I had my D&C on a Thursday. Two weeks ago today to be exact. Last Thursday and today both I have spent the whole day thinking about what I was doing this time on Thursday August 2nd. Driving to Huntington, dealing with a crappy phlebotomist, going over medical history, having a meltdown, wheeling to surgery, driving home. I just replay it all.

Honestly though, I haven't cried in a few days. I am feeling much better about things overall. I know there is a reason this miscarriage happened, and I also realize I will never know that reason. Tomorrow I go to my post-op appointment. We will discuss when Jason and I can try again though I feel like we will wait a little while.

Something else, I am so glad I started this blog when I did. Yes, it is hard to go back and read my original posts, but if I hadn't done them I wouldn't remember how I was feeling at those moments. They were so full of joy and hope for the future. I hope I can feel that way again someday.

Back to the real world.

Tomorrow I have to head back to work. I am dreading it. Absolutely, completely dreading it. My heart hurts that I have leave this house. It is safe and quiet. I don't have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Now I have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay. But, it isn't. It will never be okay again.

It has been 3 days since my D&C. Physically I am doing good. Mentally is another story. Sometimes I feel like I am doing okay, but most of the time I have a tightness in my chest that won't go away. Time will heal all wounds, but I sure wish time would move a little faster.

"My life is like a Lemon Drop
I'm suckin' on the bitter to get to the sweet part
I know there are better days ahead." - Pistol Annies